I am struggling
Originally W.W.J.D. stands for "What Would Jesus Do".
But a while ago, I decided to change its meaning for myself, to "What Would Jenny Do".
Do remind myself to question my happy self on what I would do and to be true to myself. Something I find very hard at the moment
I am struggling.
There is no other way to say this. I think this is what people call the "struggle of the millennials" but correct me if I am wrong. I'll paint you a light picture of what I am struggling with.
I used to be full of all these ideas and dreams of what I wanted to do with my life. Realistic ones as well as the ones that you know will never come true but sometimes you still imagine one day just quitting what you are doing to pursue that dream. I wanted to make like cards and t-shirts on the side, just for fun. Open a biscuit shop with my youngest sister (we bake good stuff). I miss that carefree time. With the end of my time at university heading towards the finishing line with a terrifying speed, the questions of what the next step is have been piling up.
And with that the pressure. The fear. The doubt.
I feel like some people expect me to do something great, because I will be finishing my MA just after turning 24. "OMG you are so young!"
At the same time, from the other side, you get to hear that you are so young and can still do EVERYTHING.
Then there are also those people telling you, to take time off, go traveling, see the world; "you won't have the time to do it this way once you start working".
I feel like people expect me to get this great job in my area of "expertise" and not just do something to hold me over until I get that job.
And I know, that when people suggest stuff for me to do because I don't know what to do, they just want to help but to be very honest with you, it just confuses me even more.
I feel overwhelmed by all the things I could be doing and not really feeling like I have much of a passion at the moment. My head is in constant stress mode with finishing my thesis (which is quite a bit of work) and finding a job. And this might seem stupid to some, and I envy everybody who is not struggling with this but I have always found it hard to accept change.
For me, my bachelor studies could have gone on forever. I was in a happy place. I was pretty close to home while still living somewhere else, I had THE best flatmates/friends. The closeness to home also meant I could easily see my other friends. I met my boyfriend there. I had a great job at the university.
And then it all ended. And I guess I am still kinda heartbroken about that, especially being so far away from anything. And now, that I have settled in with uni and found a research group that I feel so at home with again I have to leave? I don't feel ready for that yet.
I spend my days improving my thesis, which I LOVED working on, I check my emails every now and then and every time that I don't get an email about a job I have applied to my heart kinda drops. And I applied to jobs that I would be excited about getting, but I am also scared that if I get my hopes up too high, I will fall into this pit of disappointment and self doubt.
So far, this not knowing what will be happening very soon is probably one of the scariest things I have experienced so far. Being so consumed with my thesis helps in the sense of distracting me but then when I do take a second off it kinda just drops from the distracting-safety-net.
I miss drawing and writing and taking random photos. I love all those things, which is one of the reasons I even startet "Jenny Side Up", I love this creative balance. But at the moment I fear it will just add a ton of extra stress instead of balance. However I miss writing on about all the random things in life.
I will try to get back to it. This balancing out might do me some good.
So excuse this thursday night outburst. It had to be let out.
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